I’ve had this song in my head since I woke up and decided to play it on the I-pod while doing the dishes. There is much wisdom to the “whistle while you work” mentality. It certainly brings the joy back to fitting everything you can into the dishwasher. And after a few seconds of allowing the song to ring out I heard giggling in the other room and could tell that Lily had also risen to the occasion. Our 5-year old daughter that has had a high fever for four days decided to get up and dance. I don’t know if there is any greater joy than seeing my little ones worship with all of their mind, heart, and soul. And I don’t know if there is a greater relief, than watching them come back to life after being plagued with sickness. I almost forgot how happy she usually is and how her care free spirit brightens up the room. The jerking jolts of her legs and arms, brown locks flopping and her head tilted back with an ecstatic giggle reminds me of my little girl’s big joy. Ah, now I remember.
What do you have for me today Lord? I get the sense you are calling me to enjoy what I have here. My little miracle baby Gabriel, who looks like an angel and whose eyes remind me that he is a literal piece of heaven. Oh I hope I can keep that perspective as the day goes on, as the fussiness increases, as my arms grow week from carrying him all day and the nursing pain continues. I know that I’ll probably fail to remember the preciousness at some point, but hopefully the return to being in awestruck wonder of this little human creation you’ve placed in my hands will come quickly. I so adore spending time with all 3 children in the morning. I love snuggling with Ben on the couch and watching in amazement as Lily easily glides through big words and reads me a story. I fear the afternoon when I lose my patience and get overwhelmed. Though, to be honest I know it’s coming, that moment when everyone needs something at the same time and motherhood fatigue has set in and I can barely concentrate on a recipe that I thought would be a good idea the day before. Why is it so to have lasting peace when the going gets tough? I guess it’s a constant reminder of how human I am, and how much I need saving. Moment to moment saving.
It is a bit of a struggle for me to know what it is I need, to know that is available, and to not be able to attain it on my own. What a battle of control and trust and hope and fear. I so love that wave of the Holy Spirit and all the fruit that comes with it. I wish it were not just a wave. How does one walk in it freely at all times? Why is it so hard to get? Maybe I’m the only one that is in constant need of this joy inducing replenishment? Interesting that it takes discipline, to focus on God, and to have so many examples in my own life of His provision immediately following and still forget where to go when I need filling up. More times than I can count prayer changed my heart, focusing on the eternal lifted my worry, remembering what Jesus has done for me made me think, surely, I am not above this pile of laundry.
I have many mundane tasks in my day, and yet miracles are happening around me all the time. I’ve been praying for a friend of a friend’s husband who just this morning is radically being restored from a sudden debilitating sickness. Not much after I received an email from a mission in Haiti that has made their land beautiful, a fruitful field that produces crops to help the poor. And I just read an article in the Back2Back magazine about getting more people to join the conversation of meeting the complete needs of the orphan child in Mexico. Often I wonder if I’m doing my part in helping the world, yet the task before me is changing a diaper, playing candy land when I don’t feel like it, and vacuuming our unsalvageable carpet that has been well loved by a family of 5 and a muddy dog. I hope I am. I hope that I can live out this season with grace and walk in a beautiful new one when the time is right. And that if I’m not, that I would know and know what to do to change it. It’s a tricky thing, having a passionate heart while being a stay at home mom. And at the end of the day, I wonder if I have put it’s creative energies in the right places. I’m hoping that by putting my little pieces of time and heart into something promising that I won’t walk in circles, spiritually speaking. For today I pray I learn something, that at some point, my children enjoy me and I them, that when my husband comes home it’s a place of peace. My hope is that God helps me move a step forward in my soul. Becoming that much more knowledgeable about the light He put inside of me, and what it’s meant for.
