I woke in the middle of the night
a poem of dread lingering, forming in my head
in the predawn hours.
One step in front of the other, I have to keep thinking.
Groan in my soul as I awake. Feet hit the floor. Heart in throat.
In the dark cold I showered
bubbles over my knee, last time for awhile
I scrubbed clean for the surgeons eye.
Comfortable clothes, check.
earrings out check, contacts out check.
Nothing but me.
I don't need coffee,
my nerves are sufficient.
I cry.
My mom in her sweetness appears.
I hug my mom and cry.
I only let half out,
if I let it all out it won't stop.
I write a note to my kids, just in case
...let the last word from me be love.
"I feel like i'm walking to my death bed," I murmur.
"You're not" my dear says.
Its time and I know it. I have everything.
I wish I didn't.
A lean into my mom
I give kiss to my dad.
Their slumber stirred by parental devotion,
is not lost on me.
They and their robes and me in my fear
all mixed together like one breath taken together.
Then I glimpse, the constant one standing at the door
His countenance says car ready, car heated.
He beckons and I get in.
Silence at first. and then music.
politics and Christmas are too much...I need soothing.
I state some deep remorse, he nods. He makes a joke. I half give weight to it.
We pull up, we are in the dark.
The windows look bright with noise.
and alertness. and beeps. and people.
I feel unready. I feel stuck to my seat.
Fear is my seat belt, self protection the latch.
dare i unhinge it and walk in this torturous trap?
I think, one foot in front of the other. deep breath. click.
We walk in. I am too alert and seeing everything.
There are people waiting for their loved ones.
The TV is loud. The receptionist is too. Her cheerfulness irks me.
It contrasts the state of my spirit.
I fill out papers and sign my name. Eric signs his. This team.
and then we sit far away from the TV.
Thursday, November 8, 2018
Tuesday, October 16, 2018
And Then She Fell...
2 weeks ago I injured my right knee at rehearsal for a show I am in. Come to find out I tore my ACL. And I knew it. The moment I heard the crunch and pop I fell to the floor, bawling, holding my knee. I cried a pile of loss in that instant. 14 years ago I tore my Acl in my left knee at a dance company audition in DC. Going through the surgery and recovery process was the most challenging and painful thing I have ever done. This injury felt so similar, and I am beyond sad that this has happened to me, again. Once I got home, my leg throbbed that night in pain and I wrestled. I don't get it. I don't know why life just tagged me out. I had really been trying to stay fit and practice self care. I was going regularly to dance class, performing in flash mobs in the city, choreographing a dance piece at home, and rehearsing for a community theatre show I was in. I was so excited to be a part of that show. I was working hard, sacrificing a lot of time to do it, but I was doing what brought me life. Engaging in community and meeting new people and working together was awakening my heart. At first I was mad at myself, for trying a new thing and getting injured like this, how could I sacrifice my sweet joints just to learn something new. My husband reminded me “this happened to you because you do live life to the fullest, till it's brimming over. Because you try new things and you are super active. You're a doer!” He reminded me to not regret the adventure in me. I appreciate his encouragement, his perspective helped lighten the heavy thoughts weighing down my heart.
There is much loss for me to contemplate here though. I am fully aware of the lengthy recovery. I wont be able to walk my dog or take Rosie to the park. I won't be able to take care of my family by making dinner, keeping up with the house, doing the laundry, driving in the carpool etc. (Well I'm not too sad about the laundry part). I won't be able to climb into Gabe's bunk bed to read the next chapter of Sheila the Great and comment about the 100 stuffed animals on his bed. I won't be able to admire the pumpkin patches, the changing leaves, take my kids trick or treating or even sled at the first sign of snow! I won't be able to drive myself to Starbucks when I need a break from the house. The responsibilities and commitments I have to break are illuminating. I have been canceling things daily. I can't support my client for her birth who is due soon, and I am not sure about leading the mission trip to Haiti with my daughter this Spring. I won't be able to love on other mamas in my home with warm coffee and a listening ear every week this fall for the study I had planned. Do I need to cancel our family vacation? Crap I am in charge of the Halloween party snacks for my kids class! This is a lot of life here people. The worst of it...I won't be able to dance for 9 months. Uarghhh...my soul cringes. My greatest joy, my shortcut to happiness, where my creativity and physicality meet to articulate emotion, a language, and let's be honest...pure fun.... oh it's gone. In one snap. One jump. One poor landing.
I was calculating these losses in my head at the doctor's office and feeling really frustrated. The doctor was kind. His wisdom and sympathy began to soften my acceptance of this circumstance. As we looked at my swollen knee together, he predicted my near future, and I realized I have to take care of this. What can be done? As I made my way to the MRI office I started to accept what was happening. In the MRI machine, the compassionate imagist carried my things and nudged me forward, he covered me in a blanket and asked what music I liked. He told me it would be alright and I could relax. With Bethel tunes through the head phones, and who knows what types of radiation taking pictures of my knee...I gave it up. In the inner most voice of my soul, I sighed. I have to quiet the anger, the frustration, the regret. I reminded myself the One who created life is good. The One who knows the amount of hairs on my head loves me. If this is what it is, if this is the path chosen, then let it be so. If I must go this way again, than bring fruit out of it. Let this not be pointless, let me see beauty from ashes. And a peace came along side me like a close friend. It pulled up a seat, and sat there with me in my heart.
What do you do when life takes a different turn? When you are taken out of the game for a quarter? Do you fight it, tooth and nail, and scrap for it back? Do you confidently walk through the door in front of you, with trust that everything will be alright? Do you lie down and let life walk all over you? Or do you baby step it and just do it scared? I feel tested. Emotionally, physically, intellectually, spiritually, and socially. And I am balancing out flesh reactions, tangible proactivity, spiritual awakening and release to fate all at the same time. How am I going to proceed with what's been handed to me?
I am in this waiting period right now, waiting for the swelling to go down, attempting to re-engage my quad muscle prior to surgery, anticipating the inevitable. I am thinking through all the things I do in a day to practically set up help for the future (sorry kids, your chore load just quadrupled). Currently I am wondering how to remain purposeful. How do I not get bored? How am I going to take care of my family? How will I not dance when I hear a good song? How will I stay fit? How will I endure the physical pain? Two days after the MRI I was taking a bath and I'm not going to lie, there were tears as I stared at the scar of my other knee...this line popped in my head. It was a line I was going to sing in the show I was in. I began to sing it, “Lift me up...lift me higher. Give me strength, I never had. For I can't be weak, too much longer. Oh Lord Lord Lord make me stronger.” I realized this has to be my anthem cry. The cast of Memphis will understand. I so enjoyed rehearsing that scene with you. Now, it will sing in my soul and get me through, until I can join you in song and dance again. And I will be cheering you on...from the aisle seat.
I sense my questions are beginning to pivot. They are turning toward, what can I learn? What can I do that I normally don't have time for? What books can I read? What can I train my dog to do? Can I learn Spanish while on pain meds? I know the silver lining will come. I know eventually it will be there. I know there are much worse things in life. For me, in the process of it all I find myself full of questions when life is telling me; your next season is called STILL. And so I say to still, come. Wash over me like a heavenly rain. Water and refresh what has gone dry. Let me rest in the cave of your winter. And though it looks dormant allow my roots to be strengthened, my storehouses to be filled, and my slumber to be sweet. As I cling to the hope of a spring blossoming with new and fresh and full...I welcome you. Enter in sabbath, enter in strength, enter in focus on the rebuilding. And I will grow stronger. I will burst forth from the pain with discipline and endurance. And I believe something new will come. Because I can't be weak...too much longer...oh Lord Lord Lord make me stronger. Oh Lord Lord Lord make me stronger.
There is much loss for me to contemplate here though. I am fully aware of the lengthy recovery. I wont be able to walk my dog or take Rosie to the park. I won't be able to take care of my family by making dinner, keeping up with the house, doing the laundry, driving in the carpool etc. (Well I'm not too sad about the laundry part). I won't be able to climb into Gabe's bunk bed to read the next chapter of Sheila the Great and comment about the 100 stuffed animals on his bed. I won't be able to admire the pumpkin patches, the changing leaves, take my kids trick or treating or even sled at the first sign of snow! I won't be able to drive myself to Starbucks when I need a break from the house. The responsibilities and commitments I have to break are illuminating. I have been canceling things daily. I can't support my client for her birth who is due soon, and I am not sure about leading the mission trip to Haiti with my daughter this Spring. I won't be able to love on other mamas in my home with warm coffee and a listening ear every week this fall for the study I had planned. Do I need to cancel our family vacation? Crap I am in charge of the Halloween party snacks for my kids class! This is a lot of life here people. The worst of it...I won't be able to dance for 9 months. Uarghhh...my soul cringes. My greatest joy, my shortcut to happiness, where my creativity and physicality meet to articulate emotion, a language, and let's be honest...pure fun.... oh it's gone. In one snap. One jump. One poor landing.
I was calculating these losses in my head at the doctor's office and feeling really frustrated. The doctor was kind. His wisdom and sympathy began to soften my acceptance of this circumstance. As we looked at my swollen knee together, he predicted my near future, and I realized I have to take care of this. What can be done? As I made my way to the MRI office I started to accept what was happening. In the MRI machine, the compassionate imagist carried my things and nudged me forward, he covered me in a blanket and asked what music I liked. He told me it would be alright and I could relax. With Bethel tunes through the head phones, and who knows what types of radiation taking pictures of my knee...I gave it up. In the inner most voice of my soul, I sighed. I have to quiet the anger, the frustration, the regret. I reminded myself the One who created life is good. The One who knows the amount of hairs on my head loves me. If this is what it is, if this is the path chosen, then let it be so. If I must go this way again, than bring fruit out of it. Let this not be pointless, let me see beauty from ashes. And a peace came along side me like a close friend. It pulled up a seat, and sat there with me in my heart.
What do you do when life takes a different turn? When you are taken out of the game for a quarter? Do you fight it, tooth and nail, and scrap for it back? Do you confidently walk through the door in front of you, with trust that everything will be alright? Do you lie down and let life walk all over you? Or do you baby step it and just do it scared? I feel tested. Emotionally, physically, intellectually, spiritually, and socially. And I am balancing out flesh reactions, tangible proactivity, spiritual awakening and release to fate all at the same time. How am I going to proceed with what's been handed to me?
I am in this waiting period right now, waiting for the swelling to go down, attempting to re-engage my quad muscle prior to surgery, anticipating the inevitable. I am thinking through all the things I do in a day to practically set up help for the future (sorry kids, your chore load just quadrupled). Currently I am wondering how to remain purposeful. How do I not get bored? How am I going to take care of my family? How will I not dance when I hear a good song? How will I stay fit? How will I endure the physical pain? Two days after the MRI I was taking a bath and I'm not going to lie, there were tears as I stared at the scar of my other knee...this line popped in my head. It was a line I was going to sing in the show I was in. I began to sing it, “Lift me up...lift me higher. Give me strength, I never had. For I can't be weak, too much longer. Oh Lord Lord Lord make me stronger.” I realized this has to be my anthem cry. The cast of Memphis will understand. I so enjoyed rehearsing that scene with you. Now, it will sing in my soul and get me through, until I can join you in song and dance again. And I will be cheering you on...from the aisle seat.
I sense my questions are beginning to pivot. They are turning toward, what can I learn? What can I do that I normally don't have time for? What books can I read? What can I train my dog to do? Can I learn Spanish while on pain meds? I know the silver lining will come. I know eventually it will be there. I know there are much worse things in life. For me, in the process of it all I find myself full of questions when life is telling me; your next season is called STILL. And so I say to still, come. Wash over me like a heavenly rain. Water and refresh what has gone dry. Let me rest in the cave of your winter. And though it looks dormant allow my roots to be strengthened, my storehouses to be filled, and my slumber to be sweet. As I cling to the hope of a spring blossoming with new and fresh and full...I welcome you. Enter in sabbath, enter in strength, enter in focus on the rebuilding. And I will grow stronger. I will burst forth from the pain with discipline and endurance. And I believe something new will come. Because I can't be weak...too much longer...oh Lord Lord Lord make me stronger. Oh Lord Lord Lord make me stronger.
Monday, July 25, 2016
God's Goodness
Thinking about God’s goodness.
Sometimes it feels like it comes in and out, like the ocean tide. And only if you are at the beach do you feel it. And once you've felt it, you know what it feels to be at home, not at the beach, not near that oh so good goodness. That’s my worldly perspective though. Because the word tells us, and so does our hearts, that God is good all of the time. He is unwavering. He is not like the tide. He created the tide. We are. We look up and lean in and it's a beautiful dance. At some point we look inward or outward and lean away. I think that’s why it feels like a wave, instead of a constant goodness in the soul. His goodness is there for the taking, why do we look away?
There are a plethora of reasons for me. Circumstantial is always a joy changer…Have I been at home with the kids too many days in a row, to see past the dirty underwear and goldfish crackers on my stairs? Is it spiritual, am I being attacked by the typical enemy tactics that bring me down, make me feel hopeless? Is it hormonal? This is a reality folks. Is it a lack of self-care? When was the last time I was at the gym, and when was the last time I was at the gym and I didn’t weigh the strings attached to that (loading up the van, sacrificing the kids time, anxiety over my child’s separation anxiety) etc. Could it be forgetfulness? Do I forget so often what God has already done for me and what He’s done through me? I hope not. He’s done amazing things, I’ve been so crazy blessed. Why He keeps pouring in if I’m forgetting what it looked like to be poured out…I will never know. I’m just thankful He’s not like me, like the tide.
If you’ve been in this Jesus game awhile then chances are you know what I’m talking about. We all know there are seasons where you feel anointed, blessed, joyful, and overflowing. And there are seasons when you don’t. If He’s unwavering with his thirst quenching goodness, and our souls are in constant drought, how do we ignore the distractions and go straight to our maker at the well?
I’ve been thinking about taking some preventative measures. Assessing my mind, body, soul and heart…to give me a litmus test of where I’m at. If I can discover where I am deficient or distracted, then I can have a prayerful plan to meet that need specifically, in so doing deter myself from leaning away. And instead, lean IN to His goodness.
I don’t think one needs to be whole to experience His joy washing presence, in fact it’s quite the opposite (but that’s another topic we won’t dive into here) but I do think we need to know ourselves. It's important to be aware of our surroundings, our schedule, our stress and our spiritual health. I can have a quiet time every day, but if I haven’t talked to someone above age 9 in a week it is hard for me to experience God’s gifts. I could work out every day and enjoy those endorphin's, but if I don’t take time out to pray and journal, I can miss out on what God has for me and the work He wants to do in my heart. I can live my life in my home, enjoy my friends and family, but if I haven’t helped someone or met someone’s needs before my own, then I haven’t loved sacrificially and I miss out on the joy that comes from generosity. It’s all about, balance.
I’ve always loved the scripture that says, “love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul and all your strength and all your mind (Luke 10:27).” He wants us to love Him with every part of who we are. That’s His number one. And guess what people? If you’ve accepted Him into your heart like I have, than He is inside us. So right here I do a crazy math equation and come up with the sum that it is important to love ourselves. To bless our spirits. And when we take care of all of these parts of ourselves it enables us to love Him with ALL of ourselves. And when we are LOVING Him with all that we can muster up (even if it' a mustard seed), than He fills us up with His goodness and “in Him we live and move and have our being.” (Acts 17:28) I am talking about the brimming to the top type of being! Where it doesn’t matter what you are doing there is a joy and a strength in your step. Loading the dishwasher? “Who cares I’m worshiping the Lord.” Going to work on a Monday morning, “I'm thankful for His provision!” Children can’t sleep, “well it won’t last forever and they are super cute!” That kind of joy, spreads. And it leads to, you guessed it folks, more goodness! “Sure I’ll make you a meal, watch your kids, volunteer at church, surrender in an argument, help you with your chore…"
The past few weeks our dishwasher has been broken and I've had a kick me in the butt sinus cold. So there have been moments this week where I've been washing the dishes by hand and tempted to be frustrated at the time it is taking me to do so when I don't feel so well. Thankfully, the spirit inside me was able to capture that thought and remember that most people in the world do not have dishwashers. And I felt an instant thankfulness for my running water that I could wash all of the dishes before me. It's not ground breaking, but it's still a win into leaning into goodness.
Now I think this idea is great, but oddly it’s contingent on the fact that you are in a fairly normal spot in your life, with some flare ups and gaps here and there. The idea is to drive us to the cross and not wander away to things that don’t give life. So that we don’t have to go without, His goodness. Here’s where it gets tricky.
When we are utterly broken. I mean Broken, broken, and broken. And hurting. And raw. That is an ugly, hard, beautiful place to lay it down my friend. I believe in those sweet places of surrender and utter depth, that is when God meets us right where we need Him. And we don’t have to lift a finger. I believe in the truth “blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” Ironically, those are times when I felt His nearness so close, and I knew I couldn’t carry on if He hadn’t drawn near with His sweet embrace. And although terribly hard, they are stones in the Jordan for my walk of faith. I wouldn’t replace them for the world.
So let’s take stock of how we are doing, holistically. Where am I lacking in caring for myself? What part of you feels like it's on survive and not thrive? Ask the Lord to direct you in meeting the needs of your heart, mind, body and soul. When you feel yourself going to that bag of chips, that facebook page, that drink…something anything to feel goodness…remember those aren’t THE goodness. They are fake wells. They are little puddles that are shallow and don’t quench thirst. Go to the well and meet Jesus there. Remind your whole self who you truly Love and lean into the Lord with all your strength. See what He fills you up with! His goodness is always there, it’s plentiful and rich, it brims to the top and bubbles over. It is unwavering and oh it quenches deeply.
Sometimes it feels like it comes in and out, like the ocean tide. And only if you are at the beach do you feel it. And once you've felt it, you know what it feels to be at home, not at the beach, not near that oh so good goodness. That’s my worldly perspective though. Because the word tells us, and so does our hearts, that God is good all of the time. He is unwavering. He is not like the tide. He created the tide. We are. We look up and lean in and it's a beautiful dance. At some point we look inward or outward and lean away. I think that’s why it feels like a wave, instead of a constant goodness in the soul. His goodness is there for the taking, why do we look away?
There are a plethora of reasons for me. Circumstantial is always a joy changer…Have I been at home with the kids too many days in a row, to see past the dirty underwear and goldfish crackers on my stairs? Is it spiritual, am I being attacked by the typical enemy tactics that bring me down, make me feel hopeless? Is it hormonal? This is a reality folks. Is it a lack of self-care? When was the last time I was at the gym, and when was the last time I was at the gym and I didn’t weigh the strings attached to that (loading up the van, sacrificing the kids time, anxiety over my child’s separation anxiety) etc. Could it be forgetfulness? Do I forget so often what God has already done for me and what He’s done through me? I hope not. He’s done amazing things, I’ve been so crazy blessed. Why He keeps pouring in if I’m forgetting what it looked like to be poured out…I will never know. I’m just thankful He’s not like me, like the tide.
If you’ve been in this Jesus game awhile then chances are you know what I’m talking about. We all know there are seasons where you feel anointed, blessed, joyful, and overflowing. And there are seasons when you don’t. If He’s unwavering with his thirst quenching goodness, and our souls are in constant drought, how do we ignore the distractions and go straight to our maker at the well?
I’ve been thinking about taking some preventative measures. Assessing my mind, body, soul and heart…to give me a litmus test of where I’m at. If I can discover where I am deficient or distracted, then I can have a prayerful plan to meet that need specifically, in so doing deter myself from leaning away. And instead, lean IN to His goodness.
I don’t think one needs to be whole to experience His joy washing presence, in fact it’s quite the opposite (but that’s another topic we won’t dive into here) but I do think we need to know ourselves. It's important to be aware of our surroundings, our schedule, our stress and our spiritual health. I can have a quiet time every day, but if I haven’t talked to someone above age 9 in a week it is hard for me to experience God’s gifts. I could work out every day and enjoy those endorphin's, but if I don’t take time out to pray and journal, I can miss out on what God has for me and the work He wants to do in my heart. I can live my life in my home, enjoy my friends and family, but if I haven’t helped someone or met someone’s needs before my own, then I haven’t loved sacrificially and I miss out on the joy that comes from generosity. It’s all about, balance.
I’ve always loved the scripture that says, “love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul and all your strength and all your mind (Luke 10:27).” He wants us to love Him with every part of who we are. That’s His number one. And guess what people? If you’ve accepted Him into your heart like I have, than He is inside us. So right here I do a crazy math equation and come up with the sum that it is important to love ourselves. To bless our spirits. And when we take care of all of these parts of ourselves it enables us to love Him with ALL of ourselves. And when we are LOVING Him with all that we can muster up (even if it' a mustard seed), than He fills us up with His goodness and “in Him we live and move and have our being.” (Acts 17:28) I am talking about the brimming to the top type of being! Where it doesn’t matter what you are doing there is a joy and a strength in your step. Loading the dishwasher? “Who cares I’m worshiping the Lord.” Going to work on a Monday morning, “I'm thankful for His provision!” Children can’t sleep, “well it won’t last forever and they are super cute!” That kind of joy, spreads. And it leads to, you guessed it folks, more goodness! “Sure I’ll make you a meal, watch your kids, volunteer at church, surrender in an argument, help you with your chore…"
The past few weeks our dishwasher has been broken and I've had a kick me in the butt sinus cold. So there have been moments this week where I've been washing the dishes by hand and tempted to be frustrated at the time it is taking me to do so when I don't feel so well. Thankfully, the spirit inside me was able to capture that thought and remember that most people in the world do not have dishwashers. And I felt an instant thankfulness for my running water that I could wash all of the dishes before me. It's not ground breaking, but it's still a win into leaning into goodness.
Now I think this idea is great, but oddly it’s contingent on the fact that you are in a fairly normal spot in your life, with some flare ups and gaps here and there. The idea is to drive us to the cross and not wander away to things that don’t give life. So that we don’t have to go without, His goodness. Here’s where it gets tricky.
When we are utterly broken. I mean Broken, broken, and broken. And hurting. And raw. That is an ugly, hard, beautiful place to lay it down my friend. I believe in those sweet places of surrender and utter depth, that is when God meets us right where we need Him. And we don’t have to lift a finger. I believe in the truth “blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” Ironically, those are times when I felt His nearness so close, and I knew I couldn’t carry on if He hadn’t drawn near with His sweet embrace. And although terribly hard, they are stones in the Jordan for my walk of faith. I wouldn’t replace them for the world.
So let’s take stock of how we are doing, holistically. Where am I lacking in caring for myself? What part of you feels like it's on survive and not thrive? Ask the Lord to direct you in meeting the needs of your heart, mind, body and soul. When you feel yourself going to that bag of chips, that facebook page, that drink…something anything to feel goodness…remember those aren’t THE goodness. They are fake wells. They are little puddles that are shallow and don’t quench thirst. Go to the well and meet Jesus there. Remind your whole self who you truly Love and lean into the Lord with all your strength. See what He fills you up with! His goodness is always there, it’s plentiful and rich, it brims to the top and bubbles over. It is unwavering and oh it quenches deeply.
Sunday, February 21, 2016
Stillness
I feel the sun, sweet
The wind, gentle
And my soul, pause
Breathe.
Make space for stillness
Lean in.
Into creation, into the Creator
into who He created.
Direct me in quiet
Where peace finds wisdom.
Renews strength
Recalls hope
Water streams and life flows,
lead me to the river of everlasting.
The wind, gentle
And my soul, pause
Breathe.
Make space for stillness
Lean in.
Into creation, into the Creator
into who He created.
Direct me in quiet
Where peace finds wisdom.
Renews strength
Recalls hope
Water streams and life flows,
lead me to the river of everlasting.
Thursday, June 25, 2015
Sacrifice
I’m learning about sacrifice. I’m learning about being spread thin. I’m learning that I’m not very good at sacrifice. I’m learning how God uses me, despite my flaws, weaknesses and short-comings. I’ve traveled to Haiti a lot since I started my job at Back2Back and twice since I last wrote. It's hard for me to leave my kids to go on these trips. My mama’s heart feels divided even just headed to the office! I’m feeling in my heart the sacrifice of this work. It’s an all- in job. You can’t not work as hard as you can, because you actually know the children you are advocating for. Those of you who have been on trips or work with me can attest. I know the ones that need glasses and I see the ones drink dirty water, which is the tiniest fraction of the kids that God sees, so how could I not bust my tail to get the children glasses and a new well to drink from? Still, it comes at a cost.
Every time I go to Haiti and I see Haitians taking care of children with limited to no resources, I see their sacrifice. Every time I learn of a child that was dropped off at an orphanage because the orphanage can provide food and education and the parent cant, I learn of sacrifice. These sacrifices, are heart breaking. It’s hard to take care of children. I have four, I should know! When I see the Caretakers, The Aimables, care for sixteen orphans of Harvest Care, day in and day out, and run a free school for 40 children, I wonder how tired they are at night? Are they as tired as Eric and I? When they settle down into their bed, with no A/C or fans in the Haiti heat, I wonder...how deep do they feel the sacrifice? This caretaker has a college education, he could be doing other things. I think about our director’s Brent and Anna’s sacrifice, living in Haiti, training staff, hosting teams and meal planning to cook for not just their family of 5 but at times for teams of 16 people, not including the guards daily meals! If you’ve ever been in traffic, it’s got nothing on Haiti’s traffic where the journey to the store is a whole day’s event, you know that’s sacrifice. And, I see your sacrifice, giving what you have to this ministry or to others, instead of buying yourself something new, but because God has called you to be a part of this story line, it’s a sacrifice.
All the while I struggle to believe that God’s son sacrificed for me and that I don’t have to do anything to receive from that sacrifice. That belief is rebutted within me when I see 16 orphans kneel on the ground to pray thanksgiving over their daily rice and beans. And then, bow down further to pray thanks over their home and their “family.” And then grab my hand in theirs to pull me into their prayer to thank God for our friendship, and I see how small my own faith is. Experiencing their joy, their capacity for faith, reignites my belief in God’s sacrifice and reminds me that God’s story line to lift up the orphans and widows in their distress is worth the sacrifice. God doesn’t call us to be heroes, He asks us to step into the gap of the forgotten and the marginalized. In this job, I realize often I am beyond what I can do, but somehow the right people step in at the right time and say yes where you think they’d say no and God weaves it all together and shows me the way. He, reveals the connection, sends us an eye doctor and introduces me to the well digger. All I have to be, is there. And when I feel the friction of the sacrifice, I am reminded of everyone else’s sacrifice. I am reminded of God’s sacrifice. And that sacrifice, is reflected in the bubbling over type of joy in the smile of a child that is one of the 750,000 orphans in the little island of Haiti. And she, and he, are worth the sacrifice.
I don't know what this children's home director sacrificed to have this gift made for me, but it means the world to me! And I think it means more, because I know that it came with a cost. And it came with intention and heart and love. I treasure it now on my desk.
Leave a comment below with your thoughts! QUESTION: What do you feel like you are sacrificing right now? How do you cope with the cost?
To learn more visit www.back2back.org or email me at jschroeder@back2back.org
Every time I go to Haiti and I see Haitians taking care of children with limited to no resources, I see their sacrifice. Every time I learn of a child that was dropped off at an orphanage because the orphanage can provide food and education and the parent cant, I learn of sacrifice. These sacrifices, are heart breaking. It’s hard to take care of children. I have four, I should know! When I see the Caretakers, The Aimables, care for sixteen orphans of Harvest Care, day in and day out, and run a free school for 40 children, I wonder how tired they are at night? Are they as tired as Eric and I? When they settle down into their bed, with no A/C or fans in the Haiti heat, I wonder...how deep do they feel the sacrifice? This caretaker has a college education, he could be doing other things. I think about our director’s Brent and Anna’s sacrifice, living in Haiti, training staff, hosting teams and meal planning to cook for not just their family of 5 but at times for teams of 16 people, not including the guards daily meals! If you’ve ever been in traffic, it’s got nothing on Haiti’s traffic where the journey to the store is a whole day’s event, you know that’s sacrifice. And, I see your sacrifice, giving what you have to this ministry or to others, instead of buying yourself something new, but because God has called you to be a part of this story line, it’s a sacrifice.
All the while I struggle to believe that God’s son sacrificed for me and that I don’t have to do anything to receive from that sacrifice. That belief is rebutted within me when I see 16 orphans kneel on the ground to pray thanksgiving over their daily rice and beans. And then, bow down further to pray thanks over their home and their “family.” And then grab my hand in theirs to pull me into their prayer to thank God for our friendship, and I see how small my own faith is. Experiencing their joy, their capacity for faith, reignites my belief in God’s sacrifice and reminds me that God’s story line to lift up the orphans and widows in their distress is worth the sacrifice. God doesn’t call us to be heroes, He asks us to step into the gap of the forgotten and the marginalized. In this job, I realize often I am beyond what I can do, but somehow the right people step in at the right time and say yes where you think they’d say no and God weaves it all together and shows me the way. He, reveals the connection, sends us an eye doctor and introduces me to the well digger. All I have to be, is there. And when I feel the friction of the sacrifice, I am reminded of everyone else’s sacrifice. I am reminded of God’s sacrifice. And that sacrifice, is reflected in the bubbling over type of joy in the smile of a child that is one of the 750,000 orphans in the little island of Haiti. And she, and he, are worth the sacrifice.
I don't know what this children's home director sacrificed to have this gift made for me, but it means the world to me! And I think it means more, because I know that it came with a cost. And it came with intention and heart and love. I treasure it now on my desk.
Leave a comment below with your thoughts! QUESTION: What do you feel like you are sacrificing right now? How do you cope with the cost?
To learn more visit www.back2back.org or email me at jschroeder@back2back.org
Friday, June 5, 2015
Trauma Informed Care in Haiti - Post Training Thoughts
In January I helped to organize a training Back2Back held in Haiti on Trauma Competent Caregiving for our staff, caretakers, and other local orphan care organizations. Trauma Care Specialist, David and Jayne Schooler, traveled with us to embark on an experience that would break cultural boundaries and impact Haitians that are caring for vulnerable children. On the first day all of the participants introduced themselves and said what they were thankful for. I was struck, when Johnny, the caretaker of the Lighthouse home, said he was thankful for this training…and he said he felt like dry land waiting for the rain. Our Haitian staff tell us that this is the first time anyone has ever attempted to bring a training like this to help caretakers of orphans. The feeling of gratitude they are expressing is moving. Here we are in impoverished half of an island that is home to 750, 000 orphans, and a young man among many, caring for ten orphans in his home, is ready for his thirst to be quenched. Experiencing lessons on how to lovingly connect with a child that has been abandoned, along with people who have experienced similar trauma and hardship themselves, was eye opening. The first day of the training was the anniversary of the 2010 earthquake, we bowed our heads with our Haitian brothers and sisters in silence before we began and I thought in my heart how intentional God's timing is. Here's a picture of some of the children Johnny cares for and staff getting ready for the training.
Throughout the ten day training, I was impressed by the participants that attended, who with little to no support are running their own orphanages and outreach programs in the most impoverished country. I found them to be eager to learn and take it back to the areas where they served. I was equally impressed with how Jayne and David met every question and conversation with grace, inclusiveness and encouragement. One woman named Pedrine traveled hours to attend, felt the training enlightened her on how to be more intentional with the ten little women that were in her daily care. Another man, Joseph, ran an outreach in cite de Soleil to the youth in this very dangerous and poor community. He also had begun a transitional program to help teen boys find a “foster” type home that had aged out of the orphanage. He expressed his trials with their behavior and asked dynamic questions on how he could better understand them. Participants from an orphanage called Imagine Missions, who care for 103 children, were struggling to connect with all of the kids in their home having just a handful of staff. Recently robbed and dealing with orphans who are scared, they soaked in encouragement, prayer and support from this community of trainers and participants. This director, teacher, dorm mother and pastor walked away with tangible ways they could improve the type of care they were providing.
We often worked in small groups as well and toward the end created action plans for the participants to take back to their homes. I had the joy of working alongside Brent, Jimmy the captain of Harvest Care, and the caretakers Kelly and Madame Kelly. As we put in a plan for them to be sure to feed and hydrate the children every two hours (another way to help traumatized children regulate their systems and feel safe) they were very open to change. Even though changes like this would take more effort, more time, and more money I was moved to see how adaptable and open to learning and practice the caretakers were.
We had the opportunity mid-week to visit Imagine Missions, it was beautiful and sad all rolled into one. The sun was setting and the breeze was enticing over the big piece of land that housed the many orphaned children Imagine cared for. A soccer game took place on one side, and the teenage girls braided hair and giggled at the tables nearby. Many of the children knew English and it was easy to see that education and nutrition program were a big part of this orphanage. I also got to hear the director’s heart, to keep parents united with their children by finding them work and a transitional home. This struck a chord with me, as orphan prevention is very much on my heart! As I surveyed my surroundings, little ones wandered freely, shoeless, un-attached...and the girls dorm which was barn like with rows of beds…and though I know the director was giving them more than what they had before, I couldn’t help but think how far it was from family life. We are looking toward working them in the future, sharing what we’ve learned to help her meet the needs of the children on a more holistic level.
The highlight of my week was visiting the orphanages we work with, Harvest Care and Lighthouse, to celebrate three birthdays! It was an honor to be a part of the Haitian tradition where anyone in the home is welcome to say something kind and encouraging to the birthday boy or girl as they sat dressed in their Sunday best in the middle of the room. We smiled as one by one the little and big ones got up to speak kind words into their “sibling’s” lives. We also got a chance to say something we love about the child, and I smile just thinking about that moment. Kneeling down in the dusty ground, making eye contact with the sweet beautiful face staring back at me, and telling them they are special, that I love them, their sponsors love them and God loves them and we are so proud of who they are and who they will be. It brought all of us joy to see them be celebrated and feel loved on a day that many orphans, don’t know about and certainly aren’t recognized for.
On the last day of the training we had a time of open comments, suggestions, and sharing. How beautiful to hear the honest struggles, the practical take-away, and the attitude of praise and thanks to a God that has heard their cries and met them here. With knowledge and understanding in their belt, the participants were motivated to understand better the behaviors of the children they work with, to increase their patience, and they were reminded that they are the significant and safe person in the orphans’ lives. They must connect with them and be the attachment that the child was never given. I was so moved by God’s presence under this tent of workers, and the strength that rose to continue to harvest the fields in their lives, the vulnerable children we are fighting for.
Throughout the ten day training, I was impressed by the participants that attended, who with little to no support are running their own orphanages and outreach programs in the most impoverished country. I found them to be eager to learn and take it back to the areas where they served. I was equally impressed with how Jayne and David met every question and conversation with grace, inclusiveness and encouragement. One woman named Pedrine traveled hours to attend, felt the training enlightened her on how to be more intentional with the ten little women that were in her daily care. Another man, Joseph, ran an outreach in cite de Soleil to the youth in this very dangerous and poor community. He also had begun a transitional program to help teen boys find a “foster” type home that had aged out of the orphanage. He expressed his trials with their behavior and asked dynamic questions on how he could better understand them. Participants from an orphanage called Imagine Missions, who care for 103 children, were struggling to connect with all of the kids in their home having just a handful of staff. Recently robbed and dealing with orphans who are scared, they soaked in encouragement, prayer and support from this community of trainers and participants. This director, teacher, dorm mother and pastor walked away with tangible ways they could improve the type of care they were providing.
We often worked in small groups as well and toward the end created action plans for the participants to take back to their homes. I had the joy of working alongside Brent, Jimmy the captain of Harvest Care, and the caretakers Kelly and Madame Kelly. As we put in a plan for them to be sure to feed and hydrate the children every two hours (another way to help traumatized children regulate their systems and feel safe) they were very open to change. Even though changes like this would take more effort, more time, and more money I was moved to see how adaptable and open to learning and practice the caretakers were.
We had the opportunity mid-week to visit Imagine Missions, it was beautiful and sad all rolled into one. The sun was setting and the breeze was enticing over the big piece of land that housed the many orphaned children Imagine cared for. A soccer game took place on one side, and the teenage girls braided hair and giggled at the tables nearby. Many of the children knew English and it was easy to see that education and nutrition program were a big part of this orphanage. I also got to hear the director’s heart, to keep parents united with their children by finding them work and a transitional home. This struck a chord with me, as orphan prevention is very much on my heart! As I surveyed my surroundings, little ones wandered freely, shoeless, un-attached...and the girls dorm which was barn like with rows of beds…and though I know the director was giving them more than what they had before, I couldn’t help but think how far it was from family life. We are looking toward working them in the future, sharing what we’ve learned to help her meet the needs of the children on a more holistic level.
The highlight of my week was visiting the orphanages we work with, Harvest Care and Lighthouse, to celebrate three birthdays! It was an honor to be a part of the Haitian tradition where anyone in the home is welcome to say something kind and encouraging to the birthday boy or girl as they sat dressed in their Sunday best in the middle of the room. We smiled as one by one the little and big ones got up to speak kind words into their “sibling’s” lives. We also got a chance to say something we love about the child, and I smile just thinking about that moment. Kneeling down in the dusty ground, making eye contact with the sweet beautiful face staring back at me, and telling them they are special, that I love them, their sponsors love them and God loves them and we are so proud of who they are and who they will be. It brought all of us joy to see them be celebrated and feel loved on a day that many orphans, don’t know about and certainly aren’t recognized for.
On the last day of the training we had a time of open comments, suggestions, and sharing. How beautiful to hear the honest struggles, the practical take-away, and the attitude of praise and thanks to a God that has heard their cries and met them here. With knowledge and understanding in their belt, the participants were motivated to understand better the behaviors of the children they work with, to increase their patience, and they were reminded that they are the significant and safe person in the orphans’ lives. They must connect with them and be the attachment that the child was never given. I was so moved by God’s presence under this tent of workers, and the strength that rose to continue to harvest the fields in their lives, the vulnerable children we are fighting for.
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
A new endeavor
At a very young age I was interested in other countries and other cultures. My drawings would reflect that as I would color different races holding hands around an earth (classic). I was lucky enough to have met many different people from different places as my Aunt ran a disaster relief ministry and medical relief treatment for children from abroad. I often was told to, "run off and play" with someone who only spoke Russian (insert any language). It was not long that I was brought witness to a beautiful story, beginning with the adoption of my cousin. She came to the states as a very tiny girl, who had been dropped off at an orphanage in Haiti because of the tumor on her nose. I remember my mom and Aunt bandaging her as she would quietly sit still on our bathroom sink, with tears rolling down her cheeks. I remember her coming to my second grade class and my teacher having us collect beads for her as a fundraiser of some sort. She didn't speak any English, but we spent a lot of time together. She is the same sweet girl, but she is healthy and happy, educated, strong and with a family of her own and I adore her. How interesting that when I was in college, the first opportunity to serve abroad that was presented to me was in Haiti. God wove in my heart a passion for the nations when I was a little girl learning to color, and that story line became a theme as I took opportunities to serve in Haiti through mission trips and as an intern with an orphanage. I fell in love with the people and the country. I loved helping the missionary family write their newsletters, raise the beautiful children they took into their home, and become both a student and a teacher at the same time. I loved the dusty roads and bright colors. I loved the big smiles on tough faces. I loved the laughter of the women as they cooked a pot of rice and beans and I loved the kids in their pjs waiting for their nightly devotions from their new found family. I loved it.
I came back to the states not quite the same. For so many reasons. There are some things you just can't un-see. Like poverty. Street children. Lack of water. And there are other things, that you just can't replicate if you tried. Such as community. Spending uninterrupted time with each other. Being unplugged from the world. Laughing at the ridiculousness of some things that only happen in a 3rd world country. Just being. I felt closer to God than I ever had, because there was nothing to distract me from where I was, and who I was. Not dressed up, nothing to do, no where to go but to be. To be me. To help. To serve. To listen. To be with the people around me. You can't replicate that. And believe me I've tried over and over and you can't. I'm pretty sure that bucket never got filled again, and I longed for the feeling of "real life" daily, because me in America now felt fake.
Eventually I got married and had kids. I had led a trip back to Haiti since, but life had started for us. We found a great church in Loveland called Northstar and we moved there to be a part of it, and in community. (see, always striving for that). God continued to weave this story as my husband and I went to Mexico with an international, Christian, orphan care organization called Back2Back Ministries. As we served, I took note of the intention, wisdom, and love that went into their approach to serve the local children’s homes. I was actually blown away to find that they had a Hope Program where they provided a foster family home for the children that "aged out" of the orphanage. On top of that, they would pay for their high school and college education. That was crazy awesome to me! I love the breaking of the cycle of poverty. I stayed involved with them after our trip and sponsored a child that I actually got to take bike riding when we were there. This child and I developed a relationship over the years and I found this to be the most unique sponsorship program out there! Meanwhile I just fell in love with this organization all together. The images that stick out in my mind from Mexico are of hope, of children that have a plan and a future, ones that are cared for. By painful contrast, my last trip to Haiti was just after the earthquake, and it was devastating. My heart broke seeing so many wounds, amputations, and buildings crumbled to the ground. A nation that already had so little, now had less. The pictures in my head of that trip are un-paintable. When I heard Back2Back was starting a site in Haiti, I was chomping at the bit to get involved because if they can do there what I saw in Mexico, sign me up!
So here I am. A few years later and all of a sudden I'm on staff as their Haiti Coordinator. I just wanted to share this with you because maybe not all of you know why I have so many Back2Back posts on my facebook account now! And truthfully, it's a story that amazes me when I think about it. And, the cool thing is that's just the beginning! I have been on staff since January now, doing my best to learn as much as I can and use what God's given me to help build up this site and meet the needs of the orphanages we are serving. I have found there is so much for me to learn, so much for me to strengthen, so much for me to be patient about and at the same time I've never felt so free and filled up! I can be who I was created to be and functioning in that daily is so refreshing. I am blessed beyond measure to work with people who feel the same way I do. Who are all wired different but have the same heart and love for orphans in other countries. I can't believe I get to work with them, to be honest. I am finding that in my adventures with Haiti and at the office, I am beginning to have a back log of stories in my head of what I see happening that I don't want to keep to myself. I want to share it with you, in hopes it would encourage, inform, or enlighten in some way. I realized that when you allow yourself to be used for the Lord, whether it's your idea or His, if you say Yes...you end up being a part of and witnessing a whole slew of cool stories. I wonder if this happens especially in orphan care. He seems to be going to bat for them a lot, I am pretty sure He's wanting them to feel loved and important and worthy of being a part of His story. So as I bear witness, I will share. Thanks for reading...thus starts a blog of a new endeavor...I hope I can keep up!
I came back to the states not quite the same. For so many reasons. There are some things you just can't un-see. Like poverty. Street children. Lack of water. And there are other things, that you just can't replicate if you tried. Such as community. Spending uninterrupted time with each other. Being unplugged from the world. Laughing at the ridiculousness of some things that only happen in a 3rd world country. Just being. I felt closer to God than I ever had, because there was nothing to distract me from where I was, and who I was. Not dressed up, nothing to do, no where to go but to be. To be me. To help. To serve. To listen. To be with the people around me. You can't replicate that. And believe me I've tried over and over and you can't. I'm pretty sure that bucket never got filled again, and I longed for the feeling of "real life" daily, because me in America now felt fake.
Eventually I got married and had kids. I had led a trip back to Haiti since, but life had started for us. We found a great church in Loveland called Northstar and we moved there to be a part of it, and in community. (see, always striving for that). God continued to weave this story as my husband and I went to Mexico with an international, Christian, orphan care organization called Back2Back Ministries. As we served, I took note of the intention, wisdom, and love that went into their approach to serve the local children’s homes. I was actually blown away to find that they had a Hope Program where they provided a foster family home for the children that "aged out" of the orphanage. On top of that, they would pay for their high school and college education. That was crazy awesome to me! I love the breaking of the cycle of poverty. I stayed involved with them after our trip and sponsored a child that I actually got to take bike riding when we were there. This child and I developed a relationship over the years and I found this to be the most unique sponsorship program out there! Meanwhile I just fell in love with this organization all together. The images that stick out in my mind from Mexico are of hope, of children that have a plan and a future, ones that are cared for. By painful contrast, my last trip to Haiti was just after the earthquake, and it was devastating. My heart broke seeing so many wounds, amputations, and buildings crumbled to the ground. A nation that already had so little, now had less. The pictures in my head of that trip are un-paintable. When I heard Back2Back was starting a site in Haiti, I was chomping at the bit to get involved because if they can do there what I saw in Mexico, sign me up!
So here I am. A few years later and all of a sudden I'm on staff as their Haiti Coordinator. I just wanted to share this with you because maybe not all of you know why I have so many Back2Back posts on my facebook account now! And truthfully, it's a story that amazes me when I think about it. And, the cool thing is that's just the beginning! I have been on staff since January now, doing my best to learn as much as I can and use what God's given me to help build up this site and meet the needs of the orphanages we are serving. I have found there is so much for me to learn, so much for me to strengthen, so much for me to be patient about and at the same time I've never felt so free and filled up! I can be who I was created to be and functioning in that daily is so refreshing. I am blessed beyond measure to work with people who feel the same way I do. Who are all wired different but have the same heart and love for orphans in other countries. I can't believe I get to work with them, to be honest. I am finding that in my adventures with Haiti and at the office, I am beginning to have a back log of stories in my head of what I see happening that I don't want to keep to myself. I want to share it with you, in hopes it would encourage, inform, or enlighten in some way. I realized that when you allow yourself to be used for the Lord, whether it's your idea or His, if you say Yes...you end up being a part of and witnessing a whole slew of cool stories. I wonder if this happens especially in orphan care. He seems to be going to bat for them a lot, I am pretty sure He's wanting them to feel loved and important and worthy of being a part of His story. So as I bear witness, I will share. Thanks for reading...thus starts a blog of a new endeavor...I hope I can keep up!
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