As soon as the snow hit our lawn the kids along with Eric and I were making our plans of how we would have fun in it. If it sticks we could build a snowman, we can go sledding if it's thick enough, and we better have some hot chocolate on hand! It's funny how the simplest change in weather will completely alter your environment, your plans, and your mood! It was sweet watching the snowflakes fall, especially with the Christmas season upon us. And I loved showing our 2 year old the snow touched streets and yards out the window and he would repeat, "look at the snows!" Which was so cute, and a little more accurate from when Lily used to say, "Look at the nose!" Of course the baby and the toddler were not going to be able to sled because we took them out on the newly fallen snow and they lasted for about 30 seconds. (Just under the time it took us to get them ready!) We knew it wouldn't be fun for them and this would be a conquer and divide kind of a day. Typically I would have Eric go, as Dad he's good at doing fun stuff with the big kids and I care for the babies. But he encouraged me and I agreed, "Yeah, I'll take the big kids sledding." Oh my I am so glad I did! It was freeing to be just with them and to know we had nothing on our agenda but fun. My phone couldn't be in my pocket because it would get wet, the dishes and laundry were not in my site, and bless his little soul but my 2 year old was not pulling on me and my older kids to get them to play Simon says with him. It was just us and our sled with no melt-downs in sight.
Eric warned me ahead of time that if I take them down the big hill to keep my feet out and hands out to slow it down so we don't go too fast and end up in the creek or a tree. Check. Well noted. We started out on the small hill to practice as it has been a year since my two "big" kids felt the unruliness of sledding. They had a great time and got over there nerves quickly. They were laughing and telling each other how fast they went or how cool this spot was. I went down with them at first but after awhile they didn't need me. I found myself watching them again. Often as I do at home. They keep themselves entertained all their own, quite a big change from their preschool years. And it's nice and easy, but sometimes it leads to less enjoyable interaction and more of monitoring, feeding, guiding type of parenting i.e.:wash your hands before you eat. After awhile of observing I convinced them to go to the big hill with me. I'll be honest, one peek and I was nervous myself! Quite the slippery slope and quite the incline I might add. I've been less adventurous after having children, I don't know why but heights and fast things don't thrill me like they used to. I wanted to have fun with them though. So I convinced my oldest to go with me, I knew she'd be up for it even though she was a little scared. We snuggled into the sled together real tight like puzzle peaces and set off down the hill. I kept my feet and fingers floating on top of the snow just like Eric had encouraged me too. I found our sled started to flip and flop from side to side, and the snow began to spray in our faces. Ugh I forgot about that part! I hope my sweet Lily is okay with it was all I could think! We got to the bottom almost and flipped out of the sled smiling, laughing with snow imprinted faces. We were both a little surprised at how much we got hit with but we were happy. Next, it was my sons turn. So after we climbed up the hill, holding hands, Lily relishing in explaining to her brother how much fun it was, it was Ben's turn. He reluctantly hopped in with me. I was nervous for him, he isn't as apt to do new things, but I was proud of him to join me in the venture! I was so protective of him though that I really dug my feet and hands into the hill and we flipped out of the sled not even halfway down the hill. He was happy and content with that much travel and we trudged up the hill. Lily and I went down again, this time even more snow blowing in her face, which caused me to grip to the hill more slowing us down, and we really tumbled out of the sled this time. My dear girl landed on her face in the snow and picked her head up with tears. I felt so bad. I gave her lots of hugs and though I knew she wasn't hurt, I knew it wasn't fun to get whipped around like that with the ice biting your cheeks. Her hat had flown off in the process and we didn't realize it until we were back at the top of the hill. She was smiling again, but didn't want to go back down the hill. So as mama bear I sled down myself in search for her favorite Hello Kitty hat. It was white of course. I got in the sled and pushed off. I kept my feet and hands inside because I had nothing to protect, nothing I was anxious about. The sled went fast, it went straight, and there was no snow spraying in my face. It was really fun! I couldn't understand why it hadn't rocked, why I didn't tumble out, why my face wasn't covered in snow going down the hill. Even though I was keeping an eye out for the hat I had a blast at the rush! Then I realized, it must've been because I was keeping my hands and feet out, trying to slow down the ride, that caused all the turbulence to begin with.
I got up the hill excited to tell the kids, "you guys, I figured it out! If Mommy keeps her hands and feet in, we won't rock or tumble out or get sprayed, it'll be fun and fast…let's try it!" Of course by then they were ready to go back to the little hill we had begun with. I could tell they wanted to sled, but they just wanted to have fun and not be worried about what might happen. So we went back and had some more fun. We threw snow balls and I let them sled until their hearts content. And of course, we went home for some warm hot chocolate. What struck me about it though, is how I had felt the need to slow down the ride, when it was the whole reason we were there to begin with. I was so afraid of something going wrong which would make them not enjoy it, that I actually inhibited the fun they could've had. Holding on and trying to control a course that isn't to be controlled, actually creates more obstacles. What a great metaphor for our life journey. So often we are presented with an adventure of some sort, a mission if you will, and we cling so tightly to what we know or we try to control and navigate the course ourselves, that we create more turbulence than there needs to be. And from that turbulence the joy can get away from us, or the excitement can turn to nerves, the tendency to control can create anxiety. However you want to look at it, something that can be really positive and freeing, because of our fears or insecurities, can turn us to go back to the safe controlled mediocre spot we started with. And we might not get to fully enjoy and embrace what the "big hill" is all about and all it has for us. It leads me to wonder how much more fun is the ride, when we let go? What areas of my life do I hold on tight to, what am I trying to protect that keeps me from freedom? How long will I stay at the small hill? Because there is a big hill in every season of life, that beckons for us one way or another. I wonder if we will only taste it's full flavor of outright joy if we meet it with a willingness to release. Perhaps, we need to be emptied first. Emptied of whatever we think we ought to hold on to, and when we realize there is nothing to be afraid of but 'fear itself', we can allow ourselves to be filled with whatever the journey has to offer. In reality, our cup can only be filled when it's empty. And we can only be emptied if we pour it out ourselves. I want my cup to be full of good stuff. And I want the false feelings of the need to control, navigate, protect to be poured out. Because I want to experience the big hill, and all it's glory! And I want my kids, my family, and my friends to taste it too!
